02 February, 2006

Mr Doughty comes to Forest

(some of this may be untrue)

Mr Doughty buys his favourite football club and appoints a chairman, chief executive and an up and coming young manager.

It turns out said manager and chairman are shite. He gets rid, one publicly and the other by finding him alternative employment.

He takes on the role of chairman, and, despite wanting an experienced man for the job, appoints one of his back room staff as manager - bowing to public pressure.

Said manager's son becomes agent to much of the team.

Mr Doughty publicly states that he will not pay any agent fees, whilst also selling the best players to service the debt accrued during the previous manager's tenure.

The agent's dad has a monster strop, because his son's nest egg has gone and he was forbidden from talking to his friends up north. The team falls apart. Mr Doughty vows, privately, never to bow to public pressure again.

An experienced manager is put in place, after Mr Doughty promises him cash to spend. He plugs the obvious gaps in the team and goes on a fantastic run.

The chief executive organises a shambles of a trip to America and a total shambles of a marketing campaign. Mr Doughty plays financial chicken with local government and loses, meaning that the piles of cash promised to the manager never appear. The manager, already a bit loopy following the shenanigans in America, is sent over the edge and spends the rest of the season dribbling in the dugout. The players take full advantage of the manager's inattentiveness and spend their massive wads of cash on Hennessy and champagne. But only in the hours before a match.

Mr Doughty tires of seeing the money he pays out being spent on booze and hamburgers and calls in a specialist (albeit one who himself has left a club under some sort of weird post-contract agreement). The specialist bets his ginger locks he can sort out the drinking culture and starts yelling immediately.

More players are brought in to try and change the atmosphere at the club. Mr Doughty despises the sight of the original players, the ginger one uses his specialist training in shouting to try and get them back on track. The new players tire of being yelled at and find the stash of cognac round the back of the Main Stand. The fans call for the ginger one to be sacked as they can't tell that the players are pissed - they passed round some Polos before kick-off. Mr Doughty remembers his vow and stands firm.

The players are so pissed that for one game, on the TV, they actually think they are on "it's a knockout" and spend most of the game falling over. However, the laughter ringing in their ears isn't Stuart Hall - rather it's the nationwide TV audience. They are so pissed for the next game that (all except one) they forget to acknowledge their own supporters and trip up over each other's feet in the tunnel.

Mr Doughty hangs his head in despair and prays that the ginger one can yell a bit louder. The players are so drunk they can't even tell which players they are supposed to be passing to. The ginger one finds a bottle of Moet by the Ticket Office and thinks "if you can't beat 'em ..."

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